Christmas

"I can't believe it's Christmas time again" They phrase we all say as soon as Turkey Day rolls around.

But honestly, WHERE does the time go??

I am absolutely refusing to let the holiday season get me down this year.

Chloe totally understands what Santa is all about now & asks every night before bed if it's tonight that he's coming. Lily is just as excited aswell, she writes a letter every afternoon when she gets home from school telling her if she was bad or good and to tell you what, she has been an absolute PERFECT child. She knows Santa won't give her the My Little Pony toys she has been asking for if she's naughty!!

Christmas 2008







Christmas 2009










We Have News. . . . .

Drew & I are expecting an addition to the family! After numerous pregnancy tests and lots of tears & excitement from D & myself we went to the doctor on Tuesday and found I was 8 weeks along!! :)

I was ALMOST ready.

I was THIS close to finally getting to the acceptance stage of my grieving and "closing the door" on all those sleepless & beyond depressing nights.
UNTIL.
I get home from Australia late the other night.
Drew was AMAZING and looked after the girls while I was gone.

Now Chloe being 2 and not ever knowing her real Daddy, having Drew there looking after her 24/7 she must have thought that he was her Daddy.
As we were all saying our goodbyes to Drew to let him go and get some quiet time cause god did he need it.
Chloe says "Bye Daddy, I Love You"

Well. . .
It wasn't only my heart that broke, Lily went completely beside herself. Screaming at Chloe anything she could think of. "HE IS NOT OUR DADDY CHLOE AND NEVER WILL BE!!! WE DON'T HAVE A DADDY ANYMORE HE IS IN HEAVEN NOW. HE WILL NEVER BE HERE, EVER AGAIN" In a complete rage for a good 40 minutes until she was so tired she passed out on the living room floor.

I couldn't believe the things she was saying but then I also cannot get angry at her for it because in all reality it is the truth.
Chloe was so completely terrified of Lily that for the rest of the night & the next day she would grip me so tight whenever we went near her and freaked out.

Not only was it Lily & I that was hurt, but also Drew.
He was so "shocked" that he really didn't know what to do at all. He ended up staying the night & looked after Chloe because he was the only person that could get her calm and to sleep ( it was the sweetest thing ever, Chloe had fallen asleep on his chest like a little baby would)

The scariest thing though?
When Drew & I were lying in bed he told me "Babe, I don't expect the girls to call me Daddy, but I DO want to be there for them as if I am there Dad. I want to be with you forever & you being away & me looking after the girls had me thinking to myself how much I need you in my life."
NO he didn't pop the question but it got me questioning myself. Am I ready for this?

It's just one of those things that in a normal situation it wouldn't be SO big as it is in mine.

If this day didn't happen nine years ago today my husband would still be here with our girls outside playing soaking up as much sun before winter really hits.
He would still be here with . . . . me.

i need to come to grips with the fact that i will never see you again.

everytime i see someone count down the days till their husbands come home from deployment my heart breaks a little more.

mandatory.

So I haven't posted a blog since a lifetime ago.
Not much really happens at all, eat, school, sleep and repeat. everyday.
I have been having a terrible time lately.
I feel like everything is falling apart when really i have everything i need.
Except that one thing of course. Him.
People can't even say his name around me without me running and locking myself in my room for the rest of the day. Well okay not the rest of the day but until the girls come to my rescue.
Fact of the matter is
I want my other half back. It's not a want it's a full blown need that i throw tantrums over worse then my kids.

JUST. COME. BACK.

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need To see me through

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you've got the love I need to see me through

It's Amazing.

how a little person can go from this



to this















Mommy loves you Chloe!
<3

so i never really update this blog cause i feel like i am constantly sounding like a whiney 2 year old but i guess thats my life now.
a depressed, whiney, boring 23 year old mom.
but in all reality, i am everything above and really nothing else.
i have wet eyes at least 22 hours of the 24 there is in a day.
i rarely smile and its only because my six year old tells me to, "Mommy, PLEASE smile" what six year old should have to tell their mom that?

i would love to be happy, but i feel like im going to be stuck in this for the rest of my life.

people say move on? find a new man, that could help!
i have a man and i still feel like i am cheating every time i am with him.

i also have the most supportive friends in the world and it doesn't do much either.

just everything is so sucky 24/7








Trey, I love you with all my heart.
PLEASE come back soon.
I can't do this much longer.

my heart just shattered into a million pieces!

Mommy?

Yes baby.

"At school today my teacher said we should always tell you that we love you."

oh did they?

"uh-uh so i want to tell you that I love with you my whole heart"

i love you too baby, more then you will ever know.

"well mommy, can I tell you something?"

sure.

"I used to love you with just half my heart when daddy was here, half for you, half for daddy. but he isn't here anymore so you have my whole heart"

another one of those times.

its another night.
its 5 30 am, and i can't sleep and haven't slept more then 2 hours in the past 4 days.
im drained, completely empty.
at the bottom of the barrel and just want to scream HELP!
all i keep doing is look back on the last 2 years and say why?

why has this happened?
why me?
why trey?
why doesn't anyone understand?

of all the pain im in, i keep imagining the pain trey was in the day everything happened and it kills me.
the love of my life, fighting for his life, trying to fight for his children and his country and then finally taking his last breath.
in a crazy country, alone.

i do NOT want to be in this, and im ready for the journey to be over.
everyone says "oh it takes time to grieve"
2 f**king years and i still feel the same the day i found out.
im over feeling like i want to vomit 24/7 and having that constant headache from always crying and always having 5 milion things running through my head all about 1 person. my kids always asking, where's daddy? or Chloe calling her Uncle, Daddy because he isn't here. Those little things that are absolutely heartbreaking for a mom.

Trey needs to come back to me and thats the only way i will ever get over this, he is just never going to be able to get out of my head.

it's one of those nights

when all I want to be is forever in his arms.
when all I want to do is go to sleep and never want to wake up.
when all I can do is think about you and cry my absolute heart out to the point where I can't sleep on my pillow because it is absolutely soaked with my tears.
when all I want is one kiss, one more picture, one more moment, with you.
when all I need is your voice in my ear telling me everything is going to be just fine babe.
when all my kids need is a father to love them and teach them all the things a father can.
when all I want to do is kill George Bush.
when I can't even breathe properly because you make me cry just so much.


none of this is ever going to happen because you are not here T.
The love of my life is out of my sight, my touch and my reach.

Mommy, can you tuck me into bed like Daddy did?

*heart breaks in two*

Effects.

The effects of Trey's death on Lily these past few months are just absolutely devostating.


Just recently we were at the store and Lily saw a man that looked insanely like T, I tried to detour so that Lily wouldn't see him, but she did. Her face lit up almost instantly she ran up to him screaming Daddy, Daddy. He turned around and in that split second her face went from excited to shocked, scared and then absolutely shattered.
I had to abandon the shop all together because she was so upset, screaming and hyperventilating to all hours of the night screaming for her beloved Dada!

She often wakes up in the middle of the night, at least once a week. Screaming for him and just telling me that she wished he was here with her. On special events she knows her Dad should be with her and say "Mommy, I wish Daddy could be here to see me"


The worst part about the whole situation is not that I have lost my husband, it's that my children now do not have a father. A man that Lily has loved and adored since the day she was born, the day she came into this world she had him wrapped around her little finger! I also feel so bad that Chloe will never know how great her Dad was, never fall in love the way Lily did and I just feel terrible!

I just want my girls to have their Daddy back.

Briefing.

So my 1st blog, thought I should tell you all about my amazing family :)

My Fallen Soldier.

The most amazing man to ever come in to my life, in love for our teenage years. Married as soon as we could and started our family soon after!

Feb 16 2008, I got the worst news a mother and wife can recieve! My husband was killed whilst fighting for our country! Every single day is a nightmare and I just want him by my side but I have to keep going for our kids.

Lily - My First Born.

5 going on 15. The sweetest girl you could find on this planet but a diva if you piss her off!

My little caretaker, always looking after her Mommy when i'm not in any mood to be doing anything. Too smart for her own good but I wouldn't have her any other way! She loves her fashion and that her little sister is now old enough to play properly with her.

Chloe - My Baby

My little ball of love, all Chloe loves doing is to be with her Mommy all day long, she is my little sidekick. Where ever you see me always know Chloe is right behind me. She is so much like her Daddy and I truly believe that Trey sent her to me to look after me.