everytime i see someone count down the days till their husbands come home from deployment my heart breaks a little more.

mandatory.

So I haven't posted a blog since a lifetime ago.
Not much really happens at all, eat, school, sleep and repeat. everyday.
I have been having a terrible time lately.
I feel like everything is falling apart when really i have everything i need.
Except that one thing of course. Him.
People can't even say his name around me without me running and locking myself in my room for the rest of the day. Well okay not the rest of the day but until the girls come to my rescue.
Fact of the matter is
I want my other half back. It's not a want it's a full blown need that i throw tantrums over worse then my kids.

JUST. COME. BACK.

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need To see me through

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you've got the love I need to see me through

It's Amazing.

how a little person can go from this



to this















Mommy loves you Chloe!
<3

so i never really update this blog cause i feel like i am constantly sounding like a whiney 2 year old but i guess thats my life now.
a depressed, whiney, boring 23 year old mom.
but in all reality, i am everything above and really nothing else.
i have wet eyes at least 22 hours of the 24 there is in a day.
i rarely smile and its only because my six year old tells me to, "Mommy, PLEASE smile" what six year old should have to tell their mom that?

i would love to be happy, but i feel like im going to be stuck in this for the rest of my life.

people say move on? find a new man, that could help!
i have a man and i still feel like i am cheating every time i am with him.

i also have the most supportive friends in the world and it doesn't do much either.

just everything is so sucky 24/7








Trey, I love you with all my heart.
PLEASE come back soon.
I can't do this much longer.

my heart just shattered into a million pieces!

Mommy?

Yes baby.

"At school today my teacher said we should always tell you that we love you."

oh did they?

"uh-uh so i want to tell you that I love with you my whole heart"

i love you too baby, more then you will ever know.

"well mommy, can I tell you something?"

sure.

"I used to love you with just half my heart when daddy was here, half for you, half for daddy. but he isn't here anymore so you have my whole heart"

another one of those times.

its another night.
its 5 30 am, and i can't sleep and haven't slept more then 2 hours in the past 4 days.
im drained, completely empty.
at the bottom of the barrel and just want to scream HELP!
all i keep doing is look back on the last 2 years and say why?

why has this happened?
why me?
why trey?
why doesn't anyone understand?

of all the pain im in, i keep imagining the pain trey was in the day everything happened and it kills me.
the love of my life, fighting for his life, trying to fight for his children and his country and then finally taking his last breath.
in a crazy country, alone.

i do NOT want to be in this, and im ready for the journey to be over.
everyone says "oh it takes time to grieve"
2 f**king years and i still feel the same the day i found out.
im over feeling like i want to vomit 24/7 and having that constant headache from always crying and always having 5 milion things running through my head all about 1 person. my kids always asking, where's daddy? or Chloe calling her Uncle, Daddy because he isn't here. Those little things that are absolutely heartbreaking for a mom.

Trey needs to come back to me and thats the only way i will ever get over this, he is just never going to be able to get out of my head.