I was ALMOST ready.

I was THIS close to finally getting to the acceptance stage of my grieving and "closing the door" on all those sleepless & beyond depressing nights.
UNTIL.
I get home from Australia late the other night.
Drew was AMAZING and looked after the girls while I was gone.

Now Chloe being 2 and not ever knowing her real Daddy, having Drew there looking after her 24/7 she must have thought that he was her Daddy.
As we were all saying our goodbyes to Drew to let him go and get some quiet time cause god did he need it.
Chloe says "Bye Daddy, I Love You"

Well. . .
It wasn't only my heart that broke, Lily went completely beside herself. Screaming at Chloe anything she could think of. "HE IS NOT OUR DADDY CHLOE AND NEVER WILL BE!!! WE DON'T HAVE A DADDY ANYMORE HE IS IN HEAVEN NOW. HE WILL NEVER BE HERE, EVER AGAIN" In a complete rage for a good 40 minutes until she was so tired she passed out on the living room floor.

I couldn't believe the things she was saying but then I also cannot get angry at her for it because in all reality it is the truth.
Chloe was so completely terrified of Lily that for the rest of the night & the next day she would grip me so tight whenever we went near her and freaked out.

Not only was it Lily & I that was hurt, but also Drew.
He was so "shocked" that he really didn't know what to do at all. He ended up staying the night & looked after Chloe because he was the only person that could get her calm and to sleep ( it was the sweetest thing ever, Chloe had fallen asleep on his chest like a little baby would)

The scariest thing though?
When Drew & I were lying in bed he told me "Babe, I don't expect the girls to call me Daddy, but I DO want to be there for them as if I am there Dad. I want to be with you forever & you being away & me looking after the girls had me thinking to myself how much I need you in my life."
NO he didn't pop the question but it got me questioning myself. Am I ready for this?

It's just one of those things that in a normal situation it wouldn't be SO big as it is in mine.

If this day didn't happen nine years ago today my husband would still be here with our girls outside playing soaking up as much sun before winter really hits.
He would still be here with . . . . me.

i need to come to grips with the fact that i will never see you again.

everytime i see someone count down the days till their husbands come home from deployment my heart breaks a little more.

mandatory.

So I haven't posted a blog since a lifetime ago.
Not much really happens at all, eat, school, sleep and repeat. everyday.
I have been having a terrible time lately.
I feel like everything is falling apart when really i have everything i need.
Except that one thing of course. Him.
People can't even say his name around me without me running and locking myself in my room for the rest of the day. Well okay not the rest of the day but until the girls come to my rescue.
Fact of the matter is
I want my other half back. It's not a want it's a full blown need that i throw tantrums over worse then my kids.

JUST. COME. BACK.

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need To see me through

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you've got the love I need to see me through

It's Amazing.

how a little person can go from this



to this















Mommy loves you Chloe!
<3